Beginning

In a mood today.

A mixture of sad and flat.

Finished the work on Ka-ching!

Beginning again

I am reminded of this woman I worked with

She described feeling a lack enjoyment in doing things

It all felt so flat

I know this is just a feeling but today carries with it memories of being in my 20’s and every inch of myself felt alive

Being in the car I felt vibration, smelled the gas, listened to music - absorbed the sounds

I watched Grace Slick today, a video of Woodstock.  “So you want somebody to love”  And in the massive crowed at the end of the song, when her singing part was done she just took in the guitar the drums, and all of the sound her band was making and I could see the way she was open and contracting around the notes. Ir reminded me of being a similar way in my body.  And last night listening to music on the way to pick up Nick,“When the landslide brings you down” and “Its the end of the world as we know it, Its the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine….

I almost filled up with the sound. Singing, head bouncing, hands gripping the steering wheel going 60.

But today flat and all just memories.  Faced with what to do with the day when the house is clean enough and I have eaten.  What to do?

So I draw some lines and enjoy the crispy edge but why do it?  What am I doing?

Everything flat.

The painting is flat.

Buy body oil

Soften the sole of my feet

Make an outline for a little video about my mental state

Call mom

Get annoyed with mom

Where is mom

Why do I have to work so hard to help her with her stuff

And I guess what it is today, is more death

A quality of dull death

Not an alive death

And the woman I worked with

She wanted me to figure out how to make her feel alive.  Or recommend ketamine or some other drug to jumpstart her from the placid flat life

Its not until this day that I realize the problem isn’t so much that there is no pathway to feeling alive, but rather she had atrophied the capacity to enjoy, and it takes effort, work, to do and enjoy.  Its hard to face the meaninglessness of things that seems to be at the doorway of beginning.

The two paintings above are both related to the mid-back. The colorful one is the drawing I began a few days ago that ended in scribbles. I went back into it today with color. The lighter paining began with the mid-back, as before and I was suprised how difernt it felt today, more access and movment. The stuckness was still present but I could connect to fluidity sandwiched around and marbled through the rigid, thick holding.